As I wandered amongst the bric-a-brac of Heathrow airport and late stage capitalism…scattered liberally about the duty free bottles of liquor, oversized bars of chocolate, trashy magazines, and designer jewelry, bags, and sunglasses…I see Charles’ cunty visage gurning out at me, like an in-bred Hugh Grant, adorning packets of shortbread, socks, faces of teddy bears, women’s undergarments, and perhaps most disturbingly sex aids and condoms…a buck is to be made and those coronations and silly jubilees, second-rate pop concerts featuring D list performers who enjoy shoving their tongue up the King’s rear passageway do not pay for themselves. These duties do not come for free after all, but at quite an economic and existential cost. Cough up those taxes British serfs and foreign tourists!!!! The King NEEDS YOU!!!!!!
I realised that over a month had passed since the latest chapter of the royal soap-opera, with Hooray Harry now gearing up to take the British tabloid press to task in London’s high court. When the death of the queen was announced, with a state funeral costing the taxpayer an estimated 160 million pounds, the inevitable conclusion of this jolly game of musical chairs could only have been more expense for the average Joe or Janet. Never mind if you’re an oligarch, oil rich, or ultra-wealthy monarch who is not expected to pay any inheritance tax. Tax Haven London, England has you covered! Where the world’s stolen money goes to be laundered!! The Torys have you covered! As the pompous buffoonery of tradition and hollow ceremony winked out at me from a packet of biscuits, a thought fluttered across my poor aching noggin; I wondered how much it was going to cost to replace all of those pesky postboxes, railings, coins, bank notes, passports, stamps, tomato ketchup bottles….and other items of varying usefulness that still bore the late queen’s image…..THE KING NEEDS YOU!!!!!
On the morning of Saturday 6th May, 2023 the carcass of a 30-tonne whale that had beached itself in Bridlington, northern England was removed by the local council. The whale’s carcass had become a tourist attraction, enticing visitors from miles around. Further south in London another rotting tourist attraction slithered from a gold encrusted carriage, worming its way up the steps of Westminster Abby into a lavish, multi-million pound ceremony for Britain’s first royal coronation since 1952. As the gathered dignitaries, royals, nepotistic hangers on, and washed out celebrities gathered for pomp and ceremony, the British public fawned outside in the dull drizzling rain, hoping to catch a glimpse of the slimy blubber on display. Strikingly enough, the dead eyed expression of the beached whale was a perfect companion to the new King’s deer-in-headlights gaze, as this most privileged and entitled of public figures met with his low-key despotic destiny. A freeloader for the ages.
It is reported that the new King is worth some 1.8 billion pounds. He and his late mother, Queen Elizabeth II, took many hundreds of millions of pounds in dividends per year. The payments were received via two land and property estates, the duchies of Lancaster and Cornwall. These estates have been at the centre of a centuries-old debate over whether the funds should be provided to the public instead. The immoral and unethical pillaging of public taxes and funds has been taking place longer than any civically minded tax payer would care to discover or admit, a malignant tradition practiced for many hundreds of years. By the end of Elizabeth II’s reign in 2022, the royal family saw it fit to garnish themselves with ten times more income than when she began her rule in 1952. How can the British public be EXPECTED to pay tax and foot the bill for this obscene circus of a coronation with poverty rife in the country? The UK suffers the highest levels of poverty in North-Western Europe, worse than 13 of its neighbouring countries. It bears noting that children are most vulnerable, with more than one in four growing up impoverished in the UK. While the obscene hack parade that was the coronation is reported to have cost the taxpayer some 100 million pounds.
The cognitive dissonance of British royalists is truly something to behold. This is a citizenry who have been brainwashed for many centuries into thinking that the royal family is somehow good for the country and good for tourism. The royals have been incredibly efficient in hoodwinking the British public into believing somehow that they are loyal servants to the country and its peoples, despite no evidence to support this claim. This is a public who have suffered from over a decade of Tory misrule, austerity measures, and most recently endured severe fuel and gas shortages this past winter. Many families across the UK—unable to afford to simultaneously heat their residences and cook food—faced the bleak conundrum of whether to “heat or eat.” I ask: Why are these serfs so happy to suffer and “know their place?”
This dissonance is most perfectly exemplified by the grubby sycophant, Piers Morgan, who rails against anti-monarchists at every chance he gets, posting rambling, ranting, semi-coherent Twitter missives against the “woke establishment” whilst simultaneously propping up this most corrupt and insidious royal mafia. Gangsterism is acceptable so long as one has money, power, and status. Know your place, know your betters, and doff your cap.
Amidst the obscene pageantry on display were two prime professional nitwits. Dim as they come. Whining and entitled Harry who seems to think that living in a room below street level in his late Granny’s palace was roughing it. Who expected the taxpayer to continue to foot the bill for private security services even after “leaving” the royal family (despite not wanting to give up his title of “Prince”). He who desires privacy whilst simultaneously releasing a graceless tell-all memoir and Netflix show. Then there’s Uncle Andrew, playmate of pedophiles and human traffickers who settled out of court in the notorious Jeffrey Epstein sex trafficking case, in which he was accused of participating in sexual activities with a minor. Andrew eventually settled out of court, paying his accuser, Virginia Giuffre, 12 million pounds. It is rumoured that the Queen herself put up the hush money. Which means that the British taxpayer is also responsible for helping to fund the bailout for this most royal of pedophiles. We are asked to aspire to be like these shining beacons of British high society.
The royal family have been described as “The Firm” by members of their own house. An obscene mafia that has colonized, stolen, and stripped indigenous peoples across the world of their autonomy and humanity. There are only 22 countries of the 200 around the world that Britain has not invaded and colonized. These countries’ resources were plundered and their peoples forced to become royal subjects. It has been estimated that India alone was drained of some $45 trillion between the years 1745 and 1938. Britain’s policies towards India are responsible for in excess of 100 million deaths during the period between 1881 and 1920. The largest cut gemstone in the world, the Koh-i-Noor diamond, was looted from the Maharajah of Lahore in 1850 and presented to Queen Victoria. It is still set into the Queen’s crown to this day. These are only some the atrocities committed against Britain’s colonies. The global toll of stolen loot, wealth, and the death tally associated with the British Empire and its royal family is truly sickening. Yet apparently something to admire and celebrate.
The King himself is of course no stranger to the company of sex abusers and despots, having been close friends with the monstrous Sir Jimmy Savile, a public figure that loomed large in the British psyche for many decades. Savile began his career as a radio DJ before becoming a household name with a string of primetime television shows and raising millions of pounds for hospitals and charities. It was an open secret amongst the British establishment that Savile was a heinous predator who sexually abused many hundreds of children and young people, many of whom were patients at the very hospitals he raised money for. Savile was a close friend and advisor to Charles and Diana throughout the 1980s and beyond. More recently Charles was found to be accepting suitcases containing multi-million pound bribes from former Qatari prime minister Sheikh Hamad bin Jassim bin Jaber al-Thani—known as “HBJ.” HBJ is responsible for the levying of severe punishments and even death sentences for same-sex couples; laws that recognize women as second class citizens with little to no rights; the migrant worker scandals that stunk up the 2022 World Cup in Qatar, amongst many other despotic and inhumane practices. Human rights abusers must stick together after all.
His majesty’s public petulance has been well-documented. He’s gotten angry with a leaking pen; announced mass redundancies to Buckingham palace staff during the church service of the late queen; and complained that his own coronation was “boring,” whinging that “there’s always something” as he was made to wait five minutes in his gilded carriage before the proceedings began. It was wryly amusing that when asked to perform for the Coronation Concert held on Sunday evening in Windsor many, many artists turned down this incredible opportunity (including none other than the queen themselves, Sir Elton John). The new King had to settle for being entertained by the likes of Katy Perry, Lionel Richie, and ’90s boy-band Take That. The assembled royals were not the only Muppets on display, as Jim Henson’s furry puppets rounded off a thoroughly underwhelming evening of embarrassments.
And yet after 13 years of Tory misrule, fresh revelations regarding the royal family’s subtle manipulation of law to solidify their massively disproportionate power and wealth, why is it that the British people moan, yet simply sit on their hands in dumbed submission? This extends to the freshly minted anti-protest laws that the Tories brought into effect just days before the coronation, giving the police in England and Wales extended powers to detain and charge those they suspect of mounting potentially disruptive protests. These laws lubricate Great Britain’s disastrous slide into authoritarianism.
There were stirrings of discontent and protest around the country organised by the anti- monarchist group, Republic, only for dozens of peaceful protesters to find themselves pre-meditatively arrested and removed hours before the ceremony was to begin. The new laws limiting public protests, drafted and enacted by the Tory party, were to blame for this. These crackdowns have only served to galvanize anti-monarchist sentiments and resistance seems to be blossoming day-by-day on a grassroots level. Following the arrests, members of parliament condemned the use of the new anti-protest laws and the Metropolitan police did express regret. It seems these draconian measures may have backfired and there is at least some likelihood that the new anti-protest laws could be repealed.
Aside from a handful of satirical cartoons popping up in more left-leaning newspapers, artists (who have been adversely affected by Brexit) have been disappointingly quiet throughout the coronation period, failing to open debate, criticize, or dismiss this obscene circus. Robert Smith of The Cure has been one of the sole dissenting voices in this relative wilderness of criticism. Smith shared a satirical cartoon on which he collaborated that features a character saying, “All hail the nature arbitrary of privilege that’s hereditary. The huge cost of this ceremony could buy each British child a pony. Yet distracting profligacy must calm the masses all, lest we the fury of the poor unleash.” Smith has been impressively outspoken on the subject of the royals and serfdom in the past. When asked if he would accept honors from the Queen, he said: “I would honestly cut off my own hands before I would go there, because how dare they presume that they could give me an honour? I’m much better than them. They’ve never done anything! They’re f***ing idiots.”
Another musician, Glen Matlock, the songwriter behind the Sex Pistols’ infamous 1977 hit single that brutally criticized the queen and monarchy, “God Save the Queen,” updated the lyrics to include the new king. Although one could be forgiven for preferring the original lyric (“God save the queen, the fascist regime”) to the rather less impactful “God save the king, the silly old thing.”
It is high time that the blubbery, obscene carcass that is the British Royal family is put out to sea. Return the plunder and open the palaces to the public and homeless. The British public, peoples of the commonwealth, all who are oppressed under the aegis of this outdated, outmoded, and humiliating spectacle; Liberate yourselves!!! Off with their heads!!! Bring out the metaphorical guillotine, and let this be a lesson to the leech lords and grotesque amoral nihilists. This is about more than being contrarian, anti-establishment, or rebellious. It is about the British people standing up, staring down the establishment, and shouting “We have had enough!” Why continually put these free-loading dimwits on a pedestal to be celebrated? Revel in your right to protest, to be angry, to rail against hundreds and hundreds of years of repression, submission, and gaslighting on a global scale.
Republic, the protest group that calls for the abolition of monarchy and a democratically elected head of state should be somewhat encouraged by the concern from police and public that their members’ arrests whilst protesting the monarchy was illegitimate and pointed towards the actions of a totalitarian state. Surely now is an opportune time for artists and protest groups to solidify the strong voices of dissent and send a clear message to the monarchy, their Tory enablers, and the sleepwalking pro-royal British public. Perhaps the tide might turn after all.
This appears to be a crucial moment for the U.K. and England, and even the Commonwealth. A vital window of opportunity to scale back, and then dispossess the royal family and its reign of pillaging of wealth, resources, and vitality. With the powerful figure of Queen Elizabeth II no longer on the throne, it seems that the wave of public opinion has never been more unfavorable towards the new monarch and the outdated notion of Empire. A survey by the National Centre for Social Research shows public support for the monarchy is at an historic low, with 45 percent of respondents saying either it should be abolished, was not at all important, or not very important. This alongside waning support for an utterly shambolic Tory party veering ever more haphazardly toward authoritarianism, embedded classism, and outright nincompoopery, let us hope we live long enough to see the last days of empire.